Caroline: [complaining about her ex-boyfriend] What do you think I should do?
Dr. Ben Sobel: Well, what I think you should do…is stop whining about this pathetic loser.
[Sobel stands up]
Dr. Ben Sobel: You are a tragedy queen! "Oh, Steve doesn't like me!" "Steve doesn't respect me!" Oh, who gives a s***? GET A F***IN' LIFE!
Caroline: Dr Sobel?
[Sobel, back in his chair, snaps out of a daze]
The scene above is from the 1999 movie Analyze This in which Caroline, played by Molly Shannon, is talking to her psychiatrist, played by Billy Crystal, about her troubled relationship with her ex-boyfriend. It is a classic scene that most therapists love and can laugh out loud at, able to identify with Dr Sobel. Most therapists can name a patient or two whom they have aggressively told off and put in their place, calling them on all their nonsense and holding nothing back… a verbal "smack down," if you will…but all in their own minds. They do have that demeanor of compassion and understanding to maintain, you know.
Careful what you say
Fortunately for those of us in law enforcement, we can get away with (a bit) more verbal transparency. We have a "hit-and-run" relationship with most of the people we deal with; we probably (at least we hope) will not see them on a regular basis. We can speak frankly and bluntly with them and, in some circumstances, even tell them off and put them in their place. Nevertheless, it is important we remember to practice self-restraint, that leeway and professional judgment is not the same as carte blanche to castigate somebody, and that "discourtesy," "unprofessional behavior," and "conduct unbecoming an officer" are still the leading complaints made against officers.
I cannot say I have never set my self-restraint aside. There have been times of accidentally uncensored speech, and there have been times I forgot to bring my giveadamn along on a call. For the most part, however, I have a great filter that changes what is uncensored in my head into socially and professionally appropriate words coming out of my mouth. I rarely get complaints from citizens about what I say; even when I deliver blunt, straightforward, and sometimes harsh, words.
No, my Achilles heel is "call dispositions" on our mobile computers. After each call we type in a short description of what the call was about, our actions, and the resolution. As with many officers, the urge to express myself, um… creatively can be great. After responding to an "unknown trouble" call I entered the following:
While attempting to make toast for breakfast, Mary A Smith burned same and activated her kitchen smoke detector. She pried it open and could not find a keypad to reset the alarm. She called 911 so we could help her locate the keypad. Smith was informed smoke detectors do not have keypads like burglar alarms. Mary A Smith is, in fact, blond.
Another officer (blond) complained and I found myself being "verbally counseled" about "sensitivity issues."
After that, I was pretty good for a long time, until recently when I was sent to take a stolen car report. Like many stolen car reports, this one was more complex than it initially appeared, leading to:
Darren Brewster reported he and pregnant girlfriend, Tiffany Lampp, lay sleeping on the living room floor of his apartment when his OTHER girlfriend, Brandy Wine, also heavy with child from Darren's potent loins, walked in on them. Brandy became angry and took Darren's keys, cell phone, pants, and car. She later called to inform him she would soon be burning his car. He does not wish to report it stolen at this time, only to make us aware of the situation in case it gets out of hand.
Yep, more "verbal counseling." (The stories you have just heard are true, only the names have been changed to protect the idiots)
Careful what you…Think?
A couple years ago I cited a car with a "Fire Lane Violation" parking ticket, a simple enough affair, and then drove to the other end of the parking lot to complete a report. About fifteen minutes later a woman walked out of a restaurant and discovered the citation on her windshield. She approached me and laughingly apologized, explaining she had not seen the "No Parking-Fire Lane" sign (signs, actually, she had to drive or walk past three to get to the restaurant) and, besides, she had only been inside for a minute (or… fifteen). Surely I was not going to ticket her for something silly like that, was I? (Yes, I was, and stop calling me Shirley) When she realized that laughing-it-off, flirting, and "reasoning" was not going to work, things began to turn sour. I was informed she…paid my salary, knew a lot of very important people in town, worked hard for the money I was trying to "extort" from her, and was a nurse in the emergency room "where you will probably go if you ever get hurt on the job." I told her she was welcome to contest the ticket in court and to have a nice day, but I would not discuss it further with her at that time. I was actually proud of my restraint!
A couple hours later I walked to my sergeant's desk to drop off reports and was only mildly surprised when she told me the woman had called to complain about me, but stunned when I heard what she claimed. Strangely, she pretty accurately stated what she had said to me, but then claimed I had looked at her and said, "Boy, what a stupid bitch!" I started to protest and deny saying that, but my sergeant laughed and said she asked her, "Now, did Officer Wasilewski really say that to you?" The woman answered, "No…but he THOUGHT it!"
Okay, she had me there.
Things best left unsaid
Over the years in law enforcement we develop the filters that shield the public from our internal dialogs and commentary. For instance:
You say: "I understand. Believe me; the best of families can have these problems."
You mean:"This is exactly why you should not marry someone you met after you got drunk and slept with them at a family reunion!"
You say:"You have so much to live for. People care about you. I care about you. We are going to get you the help you need."
You mean:"Nine tries and you still you cannot get it right??!!?"
You say:"Oh, what a cute little guy. It looks like he is going to take after you!"
You mean:"It looks like he is gong to take after you. No doubt I'll be seeing a lot of him in about fifteen years."
You say:"It is hard when you go through a divorce, but do your best to be civil with her so we do not have to get involved."
You mean:"She was crazy ten years ago before you decided to marry her and have three kids. Now she has the house, half your stuff, all the kids, and you live in a urine-scented apartment. Way to think it through, Einstein."
The filters can help us inside the station, too, as in the presence of bosses (disclaimer: filters are never necessary with any of MY bosses, as they are uniformly excellent!).
You say:"Yes sir. I am all over it, sir!"
You mean:"Uh huh, I am relying on your notorious Adult ADD to forget about this assignment before I even am out the door!"
You say:"Excellent policy! You can tell a lot of planning went into this one"
You mean:"It took our collective leadership ten months of weekly meetings to devise this brain fart?"
You say:"These old-timers have decades of cop stories. You can learn a lot just listening to them."
You mean:"Blah blah blahbitty, Blah. Zzzzzz……"
These are a few of my favorite things left unsaid, or that maybe should have been. What are some of yours?