Authors’ note: We have used terms such as “marriage,” “marital,” “extramarital,” “spouse” and others that are traditionally used in reference to the commonly understood and accepted definition of legal marriage. For the purposes of this article, their use here relates to any committed, monogamous relationship in which there is a shared expectation of exclusivity.
In last month’s column (linked below), we took on the issue of infidelity among law enforcement, with a focus on some of the unique threats to relationships the job poses. Infidelity is not at all uncommon, with different studies showing up to half of married men and almost 40% of married women admitting to at least one instance of sexual infidelity. As we pointed out, however, the numbers may be even higher than those and the studies have generally looked at couples in traditional marriage; we’re not sure what the stats would be if the study sample included those who are not married but in relationships where there is an expectation of equivalent commitment.
It’s easy for most of us to dismiss the need for strong vigilance against cheating; after all, if you’re not the type to actively seek out opportunities to stray, you probably stand committed to faithfulness. But many people caught up in cheating tell of their best intentions being overwhelmed by circumstances and feeling. They experience guilt and self-loathing but, like the junkie who knows nothing good can come from the fix they seek, are powerless to stop seeking it. Vigilance is a must!
But here’s a sobering thought. Even a marriage where no one strays to another’s bed—where no one so much as lets a touch linger too long on the hand of someone other than their spouse—can be torn apart by infidelity. Too many people are secure in their physical fidelity, committed to the idea of no sex beyond the marital boundaries, while ignoring, or denying the existence of, the emotional affairs consuming their lives and whittling away at intimacy with the person they’re supposedly committed to.
But What Is an Emotional Affair?
Commonly known as an affair of the heart, the emotional affair is one marked by nonsexual, or platonic, intimacy between two persons not involved in a committed romantic relationship. Clinical therapist David Moultrup, in Husbands, Wives & Lovers: The Emotional System of the Extramarital Affair (1990), offers this definition of an affair:
“A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage… This model does not consider the possibility of accidental affairs nor those that arise out of individual pathology or habit rather than relationship difficulties.”
Note that Moultrup’s definition does not require that the participants in the affair engage in sexual activity; the key components are the level of emotional intimacy in the affair and the intimacy it steals from the relationship between the betrayed spouse and the betrayer.
How much intimacy exists in a nonsexual friendship helps us identify if it is an emotional affair. For our purposes, let’s look at the most commonly considered emotional affair, that between opposite-gender friends. It’s more common than ever for men and women to befriend each other on a platonic plane. As the genders have continued to interact more closely every generation, both personally and professionally, male-female platonic friendships are more normalized than ever. This is arguably a good thing. Even when one or both of the male-female platonic friends have a primary romantic relationship outside the friendship, these friendships are arguably positive and beneficial.
But when the intimacy level of the friendship begins to exceed that of the romantic partnership, especially in the committed, monogamous relationship where the greatest intimacy should be, the platonic nature of the friendship is weakened. As intimacy shifts more and more to the friendship, it becomes less “platonic” even if sex is never introduced into the equation. Conversely, the intimacy level of the committed, monogamous relationship is diminished, even if sex remains a part of it. The infidelity may not involve sex, but it’s still infidelity.
The unfaithful partner may spend inappropriate or excessive time with the other person (time not shared with the faithful partner). Confidences, emotional feelings and secrets may be shared more with their friend than their spouse. The emotional investment shifts to the now inappropriate friendship, and the relationship it is supposed to be invested in suffers.
Dangers of the Emotional Affair
Emotional intimacy is the foundation for a healthy sexual relationship. Frankly, emotional intimacy happens to be the foundation for a whole lot of unhealthy sexual relationships, too. And when two people share emotional intimacy, whether of the healthy sort or not, the odds they will share sexual intimacy go way up. One of the risks of an emotional affair is that it will eventually become physical. About half of reported emotional affairs eventually becomes overtly sexual.
Even among those affairs that remain physically chaste, sexual feelings are frequently reported by one or both of the participants. The sexual undertone creates a tension that seems to be enjoyed by the friends even if they resist acting on it and works to diminish the sexual intimacy of the marriage bed.
Emotional Affairs in the Internet Age
The proliferation of social networking sites on the Internet and their popularity across all demographics have, in some ways, created the virtual “no-tell motel.” No longer do emotional affairs need to rely on office flirtations or carpool crushes to gain traction. Ever wonder what that cute girl who used to flirt with you in Sociology 230 is up to? Look her up! Send a friend request. It’s as easy as that!
Cheating in the digital age, physically and emotionally, has added stress to many marriages. Just a short decade ago, past loves were often lost to the sands of time. Sure, they could be looked up, contacted and reconnected with, but unless they lived close or you wanted to seriously commit to rekindling the old flame, after one or two awkward phone calls, the old flame likely faded back into the recesses of memory. Now you can catch up nightly from across the world. For many, social networking has removed the need for proximity to carry on an emotional affair.
Safeguarding Against Emotional Affairs
It might seem like we’re saying that men and women can’t be friends with each other if one or both of them are in a committed, monogamous relationship with someone else. Not at all! Actually, we support male-female friendships, and each of us has several friendships that add much to our lives. And emotional affairs, by definition, can and occasionally do happen between heterosexual same-sex friends (or between opposite-sex friends where one or both are gay) when the deep level of emotional intimacy and sharing that should be reserved for a commited partner or spouse is taken over by the friendship.
And you might think we object to the current trend of building new friendships and renewing old ones, especially if the old ones involve a past romantic relationship or previous attraction. Again, not the case at all; these relationships may require an extra degree of caution but can be safely negotiated.
What we do advocate is ensuring emotional affairs do not launch, whether with a newly made friend or someone from your past. Following these four simple principles can help prevent the formation of emotional affairs:
- Remember your vows. Whether you made the vow in a formal ceremony or it’s merely understood between you and your partner, by pledging monogamy, you have vowed to forsake all others. Now this doesn’t mean you have to shun all outside social contact. What this vow means is to put your spouse first and cast aside any who have or would try to come between you to break the intimacy of your relationship.
- Be aware of your feelings toward your partner. I once heard the story of an elderly couple, surrounded by family and friends on the occasion of their 50th wedding anniversary, and the toast the husband made to his wife: “To my beautiful bride Louise, who I love more today than even the day I married her. Thank you, my love, for 38 wonderful years of marriage, the five that were mostly decent and even the seven that were…eh, you know!” Feelings ebb and flow, and even if you deeply love each other every day, you may not like each other all the time! All relationships go through rough patches. The ones that survive are those that batten down the hatches and commit to riding out the storm no matter what. This requires knowing when you are feeling lonely, vulnerable and less close to your partner and increasing your vigilance until the storm is over. It may even mean assertively taking action—such as seeking professional counseling—during those times.
- Be aware of your feelings toward possible threats. Perhaps you’ve been friends and beat partners with Jill for years. You’ve covered each other on countless calls, hung out in each other’s homes, cheered each other’s kids and become fast friends with each other’s spouses. She has your back and is your bud, strictly platonic—until the situation changes: Lately things haven’t been going so well at home. You confide your worries with your bud, your “little sis” since you clicked in the academy so many years ago, and she listens with the compassion you knew she would, then … you start to feel differently. Feelings are funny things. They take unexpected turns. Get a grip, dial it back and refocus your affections on where they belong before you wreck both relationships.
- Commit to honesty. One of the most telling signs of an emotional affair taking root is when the person in it starts keeping secrets from their spouse. Secrecy in a relationship is a warning sign that all is not right, and when the secret happens to be another person triangulating the relationship in any way, its destructiveness is compounded. Keep all your relationships on the level that, if you were asked anything about it by your spouse or partner, you would be comfortable with answering truthfully.
The bottom line: Emotional affairs are every bit as destructive as physical affairs— maybe even more so—and being on guard against them is important to preserving your relationship.