The month of October has come and gone, and though it is designated yearly as "Domestic Violence Awareness Month," the issues surrounding domestic violence remain constant and require ongoing attention. The elements of power and control dominate in an abusive relationship, and abusers regularly employ these tactics with victims. Verbal abuse may accompany any form of physical abuse and violence. It is not uncommon for an abuser to scream at a victim, using profanity laced with insults, put-downs, and generally demeaning comments. When the abuser believes he is losing control over the victim, he will step up his aggressive modes of behavior, including stalking.
Yvette Cade is a victim who truly understands the significance and impact of domestic violence. During her marriage, she explains she thought her husband, Roger Hargrave, was some type of "Casanova." After her husband left her in December 2004, she made a promise to herself that she would, in her words, "…continue to strive for better. I let my emotions get the best of me," says Ms. Cade, who is a previous victim of domestic violence. Her husband would call her a "fat bitch," even though she weighed only 100 pounds at the time. "It got heavy on my heart," she says.
Subsequent to their separation, Mr. Hargrave stalked and harassed Ms. Cade. He called her at work, and she told him to leave her alone. Ms. Cade obtained a protective order from the Prince George's County (MD) District Court. Then, three years ago, her husband wrote the judge and stated he wanted to reconcile with his wife. "He was very cunning," says Ms. Cade. However, Ms. Cade did not want to reconcile with her husband. "Too much had gone on in my relationship. I didn't want to go back," she says. The judge, Richard Palumbo (now retired) lifted the protective order. "Three weeks later, the protective order won't protect. You have to watch out. You have to protect yourself", says Ms. Cade.
Mr. Hargrave began calling Ms. Cade's house at 2:30 a.m. and would leave messages. When she answered the phone, she told him to leave her alone. He told her he was going to fry her with Crisco grease. "When you say things they don't want to hear, they want to get physical," says Ms. Cade.
The attack
Subsequently, on October 10, 2005, Ms. Cade went to her job at the T-Mobil store in Clinton, Maryland and arrived there at approximately 8:15 a.m. At 9:00 a.m., the doors opened and several customers were in the store. Mr. Hargrave showed up and approached her. He told Ms. Cade, "I love you," and then went behind the counter. He dumped the contents of a Sprite bottle that contained gasoline on her head and face, and set her on fire. Ms. Cade ran to the back of the store, and he chased her. "I didn't know it was gas. He was chasing after me. I ran outside. Flames were flying up my back. He crushed my foot," says Ms. Cade. "I felt the extreme heat going up my back. The flames were 1500 degrees. I saw my flesh dripping to my feet. I was screaming, 'Someone help me.' 'Someone help me,' says Ms. Cade.
Ms. Cade's entire face and side of her body were engulfed in flames. "Only by the grace of God was I able to run into the break room," says Ms. Cade. Her husband had left his keys on the counter in the store and ran back in to get them. He told the customers and employees in the store not to help his wife the victim. A seven-year-old girl was in the store at the time and witnessed the episode.
Ms. Cade suffered third degree burns over 60% of her body, and she was hospitalized for three months. She has undergone 19 surgeries and skin grafts to the legs, chest, and arms, and she still faces additional surgeries. "Some days it seemed like I was up for a week or two weeks. I couldn't sleep," says Ms. Cade.
Mr. Hargrave was convicted of three charges in the Prince George's County Maryland Circuit Court first degree assault and first and second degree attempted murder. The case was prosecuted by Prince George's County State's Attorney Glenn F. Ivey, and Assistant State's Attorney and Chief of the Domestic Violence Unit, Ann Wagner-Stewart two very dedicated and highly skilled prosecutors. Mr. Hargrave received a life sentence and is eligible for parole after 15 years.
Following her horrific victimization, Ms. Cade's case received national attention. What happened to her could potentially have occurred anywhere and to anyone in similar circumstances. Despite the emotionally agonizing and physically destructive and painful ordeals she has gone through and continues to endure, Ms. Cade has made every effort to turn her tragedy into a triumph. She has devoted her time and efforts amidst her continuing surgeries, medical treatments, and counseling sessions to spread the word about the dangers of domestic violence and has attempted to assist those in violent and potentially lethal situations. Ms. Cade is a guest speaker at many events, such as to community groups and professionals in the field. She has also appeared on various national television shows, including those hosted by Oprah and Montel Williams. Ms. Cade has established her own fund as a means to provide support and help for victims of domestic violence. Mr. Don Beyer, the owner of Don Beyer Volvo in Falls Church, Virginia, generously donated a car to her that has facilitated her ability to travel to various locations for these efforts.
Ms. Cade tells those who listen that she is a Christian, and her faith has aided her in surviving this highly traumatic event. "I felt like God had given me an inspiration. I can be proud of who I am. I am a spiritual person," says Ms. Cade. In speaking to her audiences, Ms. Cade provides some good advice, "If you know that person in your heart doesn't seem right, you need to re-evaluate. You don't have to give up on your dream," she says. She advocates both among young teenagers as well as adults that individuals who find themselves in bad situations need to learn how to disconnect and move on and recognize that there are other alternatives. "Learn how to agree to disagree," she says. "I'm all for being married and looking for a partner, but sometimes you need to step back," she advises.
Ms. Cade is a victim and, most importantly, a survivor. Her emotional fortitude and her tenacious determination to survive both physically and emotionally have made a profound impact among those who are themselves in abusive situations and professionals who strive to assist victims and make positive changes in the domestic violence arena. An anonymous author once said, "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never the same." Ms. Cade has made footprints on the hearts of many, and she continues to serve as an inspiration to all.