Law enforcement professionals are an odd bunch. Most of what we do revolves around conflict and if we fight, we are going to win and have been given the tools and training to do so. In fact the LEO instincts for many of us do not turn off when we leave the job. If a fight breaks out on the street, many of us instinctively begin to move toward the scene to secure the situation while a non-LEO picks up their cell phone, calls 911, and walks a safe enough distance to observe without becoming involved. A LEO sits with their back to a wall in the restaurant while observing the front door with their off-duty weapon securely in easy reach, just in case the diner scene from Pulp Fiction erupts during dinner with the family. A LEO can never be too prepared. Even off duty, duty prevails which means any fight engaged is one that will be won.
This serves us well on the street, but when one or both partners in a personal and intimate relationship approach a fight with the attitude of winning at any cost, no one wins. Even if the fight or discussion starts out calmly and civilly, often one person feels they are not being heard so they take the next logical step; they talk louder by raising their voice. The other person begins to feel attacked, so they will either shut down and become silent or yell back. Soon, even the silent person feels overwhelmed, so within 15 minutes of this calm conversation starting, both people are saying hurtful statements that cannot be taken back, more wounds are formed, and more damage is done to the relationship. The belief that people just get over it is untrue because words hurt. If words didn't hurt, past issues would stay in the past instead of coming up over and over again. Couples get stuck on the same topics, repeating the same conversations, picking the same fights and always with the same result. Alcoholics Anonymous has a famous saying: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. This is often how couples fight. Same tactics every time that end with the same destructive results. That is insane.
The police couple face additional challenges that have much to do with the training, experience, and inherent qualities of a LEO. We have a unique job that allows us the opportunity and the expectation to be assertive, blunt, and to sometimes aggressively call people out on their behavior. LEOs are screened and chosen for their willingness to do this, and their skills honed in training and on the job. Over time the LEO becomes no-nonsense, physically and mentally tough, and often uncompromising. Again, valuable qualities on the street, but not so good at home. How many of your colleagues' relationships have you seen crumble? How many of those relationships broke under the unique strains created because one or both partners was a cop?
In last month's column (linked below) we discussed why fighting with respect is important, and offered some general rules to fight by. This month we give six specific principles we have used, and taught to others, that have served us and them very well over the years.
The Appointment Principle Finding a mutually agreeable time to negotiate and find solutions to a perceived issue.
- Think about the issue before you bring it up to your partner. Make sure you can bring it up calmly and kindly, and rehearse what you want to say.
- Commit to bringing up that issue only. Never shotgun your partner with a laundry list of grievances, but commit to discussing one thing at a time.
- Set aside a time free of distractions and devoted to communication. It is best to have a time limit; if you cannot get to the point and be discussing solutions in about fifteen minutes, you may have to back up and return to the discussion at a later time.
- Stay positive and encouraging. Offer solutions, and involve your partner in the process by asking for their thoughts and ideas. This is far more effective than the attack and demand surrender style most couples resort to.
The Edification Principle Throughout the process, commit to building up, rather than tearing down, your partner .
- Make sure your communication, both verbal and nonverbal, is such that it supports, builds, and encourages. Erase any trace of communication that belittles, shames, accuses, or dominates.
- No yelling, yelling is about domination and not cooperation. It also indicates you are past the stage of rational, coherent, disciplined argument and asking your inner four-year-old to take a crack at the fight.
- Likewise, avoid sarcasm, blaming, intimidation, or patronizing behavior… see above.
Allow time-outs It is easy to get overwhelmed, and to resort to bad behaviors, so allow your partner time and space to escape for awhile.
- Whoever calls the time-out is responsible for returning to the discussion. You cannot abuse the time-out privilege by forgetting to come back.
- Develop a time-out signal, word, or phrase that says, "I am getting overwhelmed. I need some time to myself." Something humorous is good because it breaks tension.
Never bring things up when you or your partner is tired
We have what we call the 10 O'Clock Rule. After several years of primarily working mids before getting a permanent day shift, my internal clock was badly screwed up! At about 10 PM every night, I became "hyper, highly verbal, and physically bouncy," as Althea liked to say. My body was preparing to go to work. Since I had no physical outlet for my energy, I overcompensated by trying to discuss every random thought I had throughout the day with Althea, who was getting ready for bed. She was far less enthused with my brilliant ideas than I, and soon imposed the 10 O'Clock Rule, as in, "Shut up, already, it's after 10 O'Clock and I want to go to bed." It served us well.
Choose your battles wisely Learn the difference between those things that need to be discussed, and those that it is best to just let go. Ask…
- Why does this bother me? Should it? Is it perhaps better to just let this one go?
- Is this truly a marital issue or is it my own psychological baggage?
- What good can come out of bringing this up? What bad could come out of it?
- Is this a problem that truly threatens the stability of the relationship?
- How will my bringing this up effect my partner's self-esteem? Is it worth it to bring it up?
- Am I motivated by love or self-gain?
Always be motivated by concern for you partner, first and foremost In a healthy relationship, putting the interest and well-being of your partner first will benefit you both.
The six principles above are time-tested by many successful couples, and have worked well for us in good times and rough. They are about putting love into direct action. Practice them in your relationship, and see if you do not see improvements right away.